Said next I’ll be posting would be this but I kind of forgot and was busy.
So yup, I’ll continue the thing, since I’m at school now and not doing a thing (even if tomorrow is the deadline for an assignment).
Here I go:
After I failed that course, I promised myself it wouldn’t happen again. Yeah, because that’s what we all say, right? Besides, it was the same I told my mom. I promised.
And so second semester began.
The first weeks everything was pretty chill. I thought “how nice professors”. My new professor of that failed course was nice and I made sure not to talk to anyone because I just didn’t want to get distracted having friends to talk to on class. I did the same in every class.
Well, there’s this course —(Deja voo?) —that’s obligatory for everyone and I took it. At first, I thought it was really easy, nothing to worry about.
Until I had to make an essay.
The thing about this course is that every part of the essay has a grade. The first part is like 16%, the second is 18% and that.
I managed to fail EVERY ONE OF THEM.
Don’t ask me how, but yeah, that’s what happened. Midway through the semester, the professor called me to her desk and well. I think she was being way too hard with me. She told me I deserved a lower grade than the one she gave me (05/20) and that I knew it. She added some more things and I felt like I was about to break down and start crying right there. Maybe she saw that, because she told me to go ‘take a break’ and I practically ran out of the classroom, entered the bathroom and started crying in a stall. Before that time, I had never cried in school, and of course not that hard. I felt like I was suffocating and the space was too small for me. Then I spent some minutes looking at the mirror, trying to make my eyes look normal even tho probably everyone already knew that I was crying.
That day is probably the most horrible I’ve ever had. I hate to cry and I hate even more crying outside my house, so I couldn’t help but feel anger at the moment.
Days passed by, the professor made some disgusting comments about me, I started hating her and bla bla bla.
They day when I had to present the whole essay came and I thought that maybe I could pass the course by doing a very good job.
That didn’t happen.
I started writing the night before and of course it was almost impossible to make a good job but well. I tried.
At some point, tho, I slept before noticing and when I woke up, the laptop was updating Windows. I didn’t save the document and panicked. Windows updated and I was waiting while it loaded. And I waited and waited and waited for a long time.
The laptop didn’t work anymore.
At that moment I just gave up. I was gonna fail anyways, it was impossible to finish the essay and I was tired, my head hurt and I just thought fuck it, so I closed the damn laptop and went to sleep.
I woke up later, super chill. I just didn’t care anymore and left my house late.
I wasn’t aware at that moment, but that single thing made me feel useless. What the professor said, what I thought about myself, everything was true and I suddenly didn’t want to do it anymore.
That’s basically what happened.
I’ll skip some things and we’ll go to where I am now. Third semester.
The semester is actually almost over. Exams are next week and then I’m free.
Well, not that free.
What happened in this semester is that I continued feeling like I was doing my thing just because. I had no motivation to study and doubting my career choice became something usual.
I decided to visit the psychologist. A friend told me it was helpful and so I did (after thinking about it for like, 2 weeks).
I made an appointment and yeah. Basically we talked about me being unmotivated, not giving three fucks about studying and doubting my career. She was really helpful and told me to make a test to see if I could change my career. That was basically everything. I decided not to make another appointment because well, I could have figured that out by myself, too. Still, I’ve already signed up to make that test and I hope it’d enlight my path.
However, I still felt like trash. And that’s why two days ago I decided to take the next semester off. I’ll try to figure out my shit, study english (yeah, it’s not my first language) and work to make some money for myself and school. I’m still a little scared my bro (S) will find another person to be Bros with and forget me. Sounds stupid but hey, I just lost B because of lack of contact, my fears are justified.
Anyways, we’ll see what happens.
I’ll stop here, since I’m actually in class, lol.